All I do is rant and talk in circles.

picture is from “My Demon Lover,” because its bad ass and the movie brings me joy.

now the bullshit crying on a BLAHG stuff.

To be honest, I’m depressed. 

A few weeks ago on February 7, a random alarm went off on my phone. It said “YorN.”

What the fuck was that Damien?

Why you writing this stupid shit!

Yorn? What’s a yorn? What was I even reminding myself of?

Then it hit me. 

Last year in February, I had resigned from my first teaching job do to a toxic environment, some of the things I had going in writing were unraveling, and I was facing the very heavy realization that I didn’t really have any friends to talk to. 

So my overly dramatic diva ass was crying and taking a bubble bath while drinking and typed that reminder. It meant “yes or no,” it was asking myself if I wanted to go ahead and try to unalive myself again. I remember making a promise to myself that it was the last time, if I didn’t do it then, I couldn’t entertain that idea ever again. 

Imagine, if you will, my great big fat 300 lb ass sitting in a tub that’s too small, with bubblegum scented bubble bath, a pink bath bomb, alcohol, and crying while I’m watching some video on YouTube. Cringe. 

I’m typing this dogshit on March 10, so clearly I didn’t do anything. Why? I dunno honestly. Mainly for Breanna and Ripley Roo Garou. They love me, they need me. But, realistically, I just forgot. The alarm went off, I was confused, when I remembered I realized that being the diva I am, I wasn’t going to unalive myself without some grand display like writing some lengthy ass note about chewed up bubblegum or something. It was like 4pm, I didn’t have the time to plan anything extravagant, so I shrugged and said, “eh, fuck it, whatever,” and kept doing whatever I was doing. 

An hour or so later, I opened a Dive chocolate, the ones with the lil notes in the wrapper. My wrapper said, “why quit now? You’ve made it this far?”

Sure. 

I laughed a little because that’s sort of where I was. 

Too depressed to live. 

Too lethargic to kill my self. 

I have friends to talk to, I know I do. I have a few really close friends I can message on my phone who will send back hella encouraging shit. I have tons of online friends who would at the very least make a post about me if I died, some may use it as a way to sell a couple books, and honestly, hell yeah, get that cash, boo boo. 

What the fuck is my problem then?

I don’t get much human interaction throughout my day unless it’s on this damn phone screen. I left one toxic teaching environment, and came to another one that is the Toxic Crusaders animated show to the Toxic Avenger of that last place; meaning this one is just as toxic but in really cartoon-like unbelievable ways. Speaking of, I quit my job last week because people just seem to think I’m the worst at it, and I’m impossible to get along with. I took that back the next day after a convo with my highest higher up that made me feel validated, supported, and encouraged to stay; but then I wasn’t allowed to because I got upset about the wrong person making fun of my handwriting. So I’m sorta sitting in career limbo because yet again I let my irrational desire to speak up against things that are making people miserable win out. I absolutely HATE being that person. 

At some point in time you have to look at the problems occurring around you and say, “how come I always have issues with others?” 

It’s me. 

I’m the problem. 

I’m hard to get along with and I cause issues everywhere I go. 

I have burned through friendships earlier in my life because I was a miserable asshole, I get that. I was a vile piece of shit who wanted to cause violence and pain. 

Currently, my goal is to do everything I can to make the people around me feel better everyday. I strive to be a good husband, a good friend, a good teacher. I want to be the qualities I admire so much in Wonder Woman. I want people to know I love them and would do anything for them. I am always open to having conversations with my peers in writing and teaching, I am always open to self reflection and change. 

I want nothing more than to make this world better. 

I push myself every single day to show my students I care about them and understand what they deal with. I use an open heart and an open ear to try and be the one person who they know they can go to if they need help. I am one of few teachers who have their email connected to their phone’s Home Screen. I do not want these kids to have to go through anything I went through and not have an adult who can and will help them. 

I want to be the person I didn’t have and I work toward that every day of my life. 

I fight for the oppressed and the underprivileged, I do things without a shit given about money, I practice kindness, empathy, and compassion in every chance I have. 

I’m doing something wrong tho. 

I don’t know what it is. 

Some of my closest and oldest friends will chat me up for hours on end, but then toss me away when someone “cooler” comes along. Whether that’s true or not, that’s how I feel. 

I don’t really have anyone to have phone conversations with, to FaceTime with, to have a drink and talk with, I do about wrestling or genre shit, but not about the constant knowledge of knowing that no matter how much good I put back into the world, I deserve nothing but bad for the things I did pre-30. 

That’s cool, karma, you a cutie anyway, I prolly deserve them shits. 

On teaching… I spent my whole life being told I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even try until I was 31. I worked my ass off for the past six years to change myself and be the human that I needed for students. It was a waste of time low key because those people are right, I can’t do it. I’m not a disciplinarian. I don’t believe the biggest issue in a school building is a cell phone or missed work. I don’t believe that students should be beaten into following rules they don’t understand in a building they don’t get to choose to go to or not. I do not believe in letting students be bullied for who they are, or standing by and watching while grown ass adults hold grudges against them or tell them they cannot succeed. 

It’s a fucking school. 

Isn’t that supposed to be the place students feel the safest? Aren’t educators supposed to be pushing them to achieve great things? 

Either way, this outlook has made me step on toes, irritate people, and become labeled as a troublemaker. Maybe it’s my severe ADHD and over active rejection sensitivity. Who knows!

Speaking of, ADHD is beating the shit and three bucks out of me. It’s been a lifelong struggle and I wasn’t aware of it until recently. My whole life I just assumed I was a dipshit, which I am, but whatever. Since being diagnosed, I’ve done tons of research and discovered that a lot of the things I do, and the things I struggle with, are because of my ADHD being untreated for 35 years of my life. I’m struggling to find a medication that actually relieves some of these symptoms, but so far have had no luck. 

I’m always open to self reflection, I can really take it to myself and be mean AF to Damien. 

But, why then am I unable to not accept when people say I’m not the issue? I dunno honestly. I’ve been reading a ton about ADHD and how it distorts my thoughts to make me think everyone secretly hates me and every issue I’m a part of is always me. 

Again, regardless of someone looking me straight in the eye and saying, “you are not the issue here.” I’ve had that happen to me like ten times this week from different people… every time I hear it, it’s accompanied by a fart sound in my brain because, yeah, right. 

So here’s some self reflection in the form of a BLAHG that my timer went off for, I need to change THAT aspect of Damien. I cannot always be the issue. Even typing that, I had this weird floaty feeling and can almost physically feel people rolling their eyes and thinking about how I AM the problem. 

It’s weird. 

I’m not psychic or anything. 

But I swear you rolled your eyes. 

It’s an issue I have to fix. 

I make people laugh, I stand up for the oppressed, I speak up when something is wrong, I have written multiple books that people do not hate, I have done a good job teaching. There are good things about Damien; I mean sure, one of them probably isn’t crying in bed over my two Lisa Frankenstein posters being lost in the mail because I refused to let myself have that breakdown until my body forced me to, but we can’t all cry about stuff when we need to bro. 

I can’t possibly be the person I want to be for everyone around me if I see me as a weird annoying little bridge troll. 

I feel like all of these rants are depressing or whiney and make everyone hate me a little more, but whatever, it’s my BLAHG. Just don’t read it like you do with my books. Let me try to end this in a positive way tho. 

A new Jurassic World movie comes out this summer and dinosaurs are bad ass.