Damienyaps

I’ve often told Bre that I just believe some people get away with everything, while some of us are out here being held to an impossible standard and criticized for years over a single mistake. My personal hero, Mercedes Varnado, is CONSTANTLY criticized for small things, things people don’t understand, and actually being good at what she does. She makes a small slip up in the ring, and the nicknames flow in about how bad she is and how she botches every single match. It just isn’t true. As a fan, I could care less about insider jargon or whatever the fuck. I want to be entertained by real life superheroes. But, there are some wrestlers AHEMCMPUNKAHEM who can seemingly get away with fucking murder while people like Mercedes are not even allowed to challenge toxic fan behavior.  I’ve noticed this a TON in my teaching and writing lives. One student who is thought of as “bad” can say fuck and get suspended, while one who is “good” can get in a fight and face no consequences at all. It’...

  The career I went to college for doesn’t exist. It’s taken three long and painful years to realize that. I started my college career because I decided that if I was going to survive my attempt at unaliving myself, I would do everything in my power to be the person for young people I wished I had. I’m confident I’ve done that. I’m confident my students know they can come to me about their lives.  If you can’t gather this from the first lil bit of this BLAHG, I’m pretty sure I’m leaving teaching. Full disclosure: some friends and peers have asked me to reconsider and try one more school (both of my schools have been toxic for not just me, but hella toxic for the students), because of their request and confidence in me, I have applied to a few schools, and will apply to 1-2 more in the summer. If it happens before I get an outside of EDU job, cool, if it doesn’t, cool.  I’m at peace with it. I’ve found that a large portion of education is making sure students behave, don’t ha...

picture is from “My Demon Lover,” because its bad ass and the movie brings me joy. now the bullshit crying on a BLAHG stuff. To be honest, I’m depressed.  A few weeks ago on February 7, a random alarm went off on my phone. It said “YorN.” What the fuck was that Damien? Why you writing this stupid shit! Yorn? What’s a yorn? What was I even reminding myself of? Then it hit me.  Last year in February, I had resigned from my first teaching job do to a toxic environment, some of the things I had going in writing were unraveling, and I was facing the very heavy realization that I didn’t really have any friends to talk to.  So my overly dramatic diva ass was crying and taking a bubble bath while drinking and typed that reminder. It meant “yes or no,” it was asking myself if I wanted to go ahead and try to unalive myself again. I remember making a promise to myself that it was the last time, if I didn’t do it then, I couldn’t entertain that idea ever again.  Imagine, if you ...

Trigger warnings: abuse, self harm. Less serious warning: no timer for this one. No check still though, just typing until it’s out.  So, last night I went a little wild on Facebook. I deleted it because… well… I don’t know? Probably so I could type it out longer? Or it may because I don’t truly believe I have any right to speak out about the things that have happened to me because I don’t deserve the closure, or safety of speaking what I need to.  I went to a therapist a few years ago, I did this PTSD test thing. The person giving it asked if I was a veteran. I sort of assumed it was my Bullet Club shirt and the guy didn’t know about pro wrestling, so I said no, it’s wrestling. He was confused and explained my PTSD was as bad as an Iraqi war veteran. I said, “huh. Alright.” My parents were abusive.  Said it.  My father was mentally and sometimes physically abusive.  My mother made excuses for him. Let’s get into it.  DO NOT READ AHEAD UNLESS YOU WANT PERSON...